Angel Marfo
The hoe phase after a breakup (especially)…
That beautiful time when you can fully express your sexual frustrations and freedom with whomever you choose. The stage where you are able to explore all your sexual preferences until you settle down to a life of boredom with one man( or maybe not) called marriage. This is the stage every woman needs, to truly find and know herself,- or is it? Let’s find out.
I have seen a lot of girls on Tiktok joking about going on a hoe phase after a breakup and to be fair, it is not very funny.
Reasons Girls Go Through the Hoe phase
There are various reasons why girls/ women go through the hoe phase however, I am going to elaborate on the top 6 reasons, women go through the hoe phase, based on responses of people on tiktok and quora.
1. Hoe phase after a breakup
Women would go through a hoe phase after a breakup, especially if the breakup happened because of cheating. If there were sexual relations involved with the couple, the woman would be left feeling used and insecure, especially if the breakup was the man’s fault.
So in order to find that “love” or attention she was getting from that guy, she would choose to instead get it from the streets or become a “bad b” or sleep around “with no strings attached”, to prevent herself from getting hurt again- because she’s afraid of getting hurt.
To cut a long story short, you do NOT need a hoe phase after a breakup. That is DEFINITELY NOT the solution.
“You do not need the Hoe phase AFTER A BREAKUP”
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2. Daddy Issues
Girls with daddy issues (from their father abandoning them), also tend to go through a hoe phase or just be promiscuous because they are trying to find that fatherly love in different guys.
During sex, they may feel “loved” for 5 minutes or however long the activity may last due to the oxytocin bonding hormone. The feeling however, goes soon after and then, they start to crave that “love rush” from whoever would give it to them. (and let’s get real how many men would say no to sex). This is not because, they want to intentionally go through a hoe phase but because they have become addicted to that “love rush.”
3. Looking For The Love Of God
Some girls may get love from their family or friends but they may still be feeling something missing. That missing gap in their heart.
They may think; ” I have it all, I have the money, the family, the friends but it still feels like there’s something missing- There’s a hole in my heart, that feels like it is meant to be filled.” That is GOD.
That hole in your heart can only be filled by God.
That is why you look everywhere for a love that would complete you but you don’t find it and resort to looking for it in men, sex and drugs. However with God, you are already a complete whole being. You do not need anyone else to complete you. Your partner would only come to compliment you.
4. Women Empowerment
This may not be a very popular reason but, some women may go through the hoe phase, just to show that women can be like (insecure) men and basically sleep with as many guys as they want with no strings attached.- Just to shut down societal standards.
However since women are emotional beings, Sex would always be intimate and sentimental for us. Sex can be more casual for men because it more of a drive or a need to fulfil (eg. hunger) and therefore emotions do not have to always be attached to it.
So, if you are a woman who can remove sex from your emotions, It means there is something wrong. This could be from trauma, abuse etc. and is therefore unhealthy and not a “flex”. However, you can always overcome it, with God.
5. Girls overlooked during their teenage or younger years.
You know that feeling, when you cannot wait to “glow up” so you can reveal yourself to your haters or bullies.
Once upon a time, that was me. I used to be very skinny and was bullied a lot because of it. This was because, I lived in Ghana and voluptuous bodies were the most preferred and because I was actually really skinny, like bony (yes skinny-shaming is a thing).
Due to this, guys would shun me, call me all sort of names like anorexic, flat, skeleton etc. And your teen years is when you want to look your best to the opposite sex so this really brought my self esteem to the pits. My ultimate goal from then on, became glowing up on them but, it backfired.
Because I tried so hard to gain weight, I became skinny-fat and then I had to lose the skinny fat and then gain weight again to my ideal weight and, even now I still have some visceral belly fat. It was not worth it. Who exactly was I hurting? Myself.
Other-times, when girls who are overlooked in their teenage years start to grow into their womanly curves and guys finally start paying them attention, they want to take advantage of the attention they get now, to make up for what they didn’t have when they were younger and sleep with or get with as many guys as they want- They want to go as far as they can, just to prove to themselves that they are wanted by the opposite sex or that they can reel men in.
REMEMBER, this is not their fault and I am not trying to judge them in any way.
6. Girls abused
Sometimes when girls go through things in their childhood like sexual assault, rape etc, It makes them feel like that is all they know( even though a lot of times, this may not be the case). Almost like a part of their identity- especially if the assault was from an older man.
It becomes like an addiction to them. You know it’s bad, you know you were abused, you know you are traumatised, but it becomes like a trauma bond that makes you continue to go on doing what they were doing to you, because that is all you know. You may become hypersexual and that is how this can result in a hoe phase.
Reasons NOT to have a Hoe Phase.
This are examples of women who went through the hoe phase thinking it would empower them yet they ended up regretting it. From their stories, it seems the answer to whether you should go through a hoe phase or not is quite clear but lets evaluate on more reasons why you shouldn’t go through the phase…
1. No one deserves your body unless they have made a vow before God and man
No one deserves your body until they have have made a vow before God, and you have been been given, TWO rings (marriage).
You are more precious than rubies and gold- despite what you may or may not think. Do not give your body to any undeserving guy just to find love because, those short few minutes of sex is NOT what love is. And you are going to keep craving it like a drug, but you will not find the fulfilment you want.
The Glamourisation of the Hoe Phase
You DO NOT need to go through the Hoe Phase. I know social media glamourizes it, with all the so-called “bad b’s” being flown out on trips and the like.
But like the ladies said in the example stories above, it may seem glamourous but inside they are HURTING, inside they are INSECURE, inside they are looking for someone who can LOVE them WHOLEHEARTEDLY-Not someone who is there one day and the next day isn’t so they have to look for their replacement, who would be like those same people and so the cycle continues.
2. Sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, and not knowing the father
There’s nothing casual about sex. It’s physical, mental, spiritual, emotional. You may just see it as casual sex but it’s actually all that so, imagine how conflicted you would feel.
“This is just casual sex so why do I feel so empty inside, why do I feel like something has been stripped away from me.” And sometimes girls would be like; ” It was just a one- night stand so why am I still thinking of him?”
Imagine the diseases you could get from all those undeserving men that may be hidden. Gonorrhoea, AIDS, syphilis, monkey pox etc. Even if you were to use a condom. If you are having a hoe phase and you are doing it numerous times, it’s easy to forget one time. Also condoms are not guaranteed.
In addition, if you become pregnant, it is another life you are destroying. It’s easy to think you are enjoying yourself or “you are doing you”, without thinking of the effects single motherhood or broken homes, have on children. A child deserves to have two parents in the household and coming from a broken home, I can attest to that.
So imagine having a child in these circumstances and neither you nor the child knows the father and so the child is deprived of the life they could have had if they had a father. And then the generational pattern continues.
That is why it is important to correct our mistakes so we do not send it to the next generation.
3. Unable to commit to one partner
Your appetite for different partners skyrocket so it is almost impossible to train your vagina and even your brain to adjust and commit to one person when it’s used to several.
Will one man even be able to satisfy you? This could also lead to further issues in the marriage such as adultery.
To download your FREE EBook, all about TRUE LOVE, click here!
4. Sex is not just Physical. There's nothing like "Casual Sex".
Sex is not just physical. It’s spiritual, emotional, mental etc. Because a human being isn’t just a physical being. When you have sex with someone, you become joined to the person, in all those ways.
And whatever diseases they have, whether it’s physical diseases such as STI’s and mental diseases such as depression and bipolar disorder, it becomes all yours too. That is why you may sleep with someone who has depression and you may not have it but then all of a sudden, you start to feel different and like you are no longer yourself. If you are able to get physical diseases from sleeping with people, then imagine the mental diseases- And then, imagine what happens spiritually.
That’s why the Bible says your body is the temple of God. It is a sacred place and shouldn’t be used for just anyone.
5. Do not hurt yourself because your ex hurt you (Hoe Phase after a breakup)
Why is it that YOU are deserving of the pain? The pain he caused you, you are going to double it for yourself? Hurting yourself does not hurt him one bit. Who cares if you are doing it make him jealous? You do not want him to come back anyways and he is not hurt a bit despite hurting you. You are the one going to get whatever disease, you are the one going to feel used, not him. He may be jealous that you may be “getting the men” for a second, and then move on to bigger prospects.
I saw on Tiktok while watching ” hoe phase after a breakup videos”, a girl saying; “but if I do not go through the hoe phase after a breakup, what am I supposed to do? Just sit there and think about him?”. And that made me so sad.
Worst dating advice
You know of the saying “if you want to get over someone, get under another”, That is terrible advice because when you are trying to move on someone you are still not over, just to mask the pain and the hurt, you go for another person but what if they next person also does the same thing to you? You would only be going around in circles. And also due to the “soul tie” you had with your ex, you are bound to go for another person who is just like them.
What you need to do is to heal- take time to heal. You deserve your healing. Until you heal, forget about men for now. so you do not go for guys like your ex again.
YOU DO NOT NEED A HOE PHASE, YOU NEED TO HEAL ~ Breeny lee
6. God is the answer you have been seeking. find yourself in God.
God is the answer you have been trying to find. You can only find yourself in God.
So that hole in your heart you have been trying to fill; trying the hoe phase after a breakup, that girl who has been trying to find love so goes on the streets, you do not belong to the streets my girl, COME BACK HOME! Come back to God. God is the only One who can fill the longing in your heart. And He can fill any void in you.
Your womanhood is a pearl, a precious diamond! The undeserving guys are swine (pigs) because they do not deserve it and therefore do not know it’s value. And since they do not know it’s value, they are only going to trample on it under their feet. The same goes for literal swine, since they do not know how valuable actual pearls are, they are only going to treat them as dirt.
7. You are disempowered instead of empowered
The hoe phase is an easy way to lose yourself fast. You are not empowered but instead disempowered.
You are going to feel worthless or that you are only worth your private parts. You may reason that, no one wants to know your personality or wants to get to know the true you and this could lead to you, becoming broken.
What to do NOW if You have had hoe phase (Redemption).
IT IS NEVER TOO LATE! you are still alive which means it is time for new beginnings. Until God says it’s over, it’s never over. And you being alive attests to it.
1. Seek relationship with God to find yourself
If you think you want to go through the hoe phase because you were abused when you were younger, or you were neglected in your childhood OR you have been through a breakup and you feel hurt, God can heal you and strengthen you, and He would make everything you have been through, become a thing of the past. Because when you have the love of God, His love is more than enough. You do not need to seek the attention of others to know you are loved because the love of God is going to literally fill you up.
I for instance, I am 24, never had a boyfriend and sometimes I feel lonely- but I do not feel unloved. Because I know God loves me and that void in my heart has already been filled.
So I just need somebody to compliment me- at the right time that God would bring him.
That is why YOU DO NOT NEED A HOE PHASE. So start seeking a relationship with God today and it is not hard.
How to develop a relationship with God
Just sit in your room quietly and talk to Him. Just say sincerely “Lord I want to find you, I want to seek a relationship with you, I want to stop being a hoe and I do not want guys to use my body like it is nothing. I do not want to be used and discarded. Please help me to learn to know you more.”
And you think God would not come to you? Just use your own words. God understands every language anyway. Pour out your heart to him, all your frustrations, He is ready to listen. Like the Bible says- Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find.
He already sent His Son to die for you, what more can He not do.
You want to find yourself? Find God.
2. Celibacy
After a breakup or a hoe phase you need to heal. Give yourself time. Better yet, just wait until marriage- Until you meet that man who can give you the ultimate sign of his commitment to you which is marriage. I know it may be scary at first so at the beginning stages, make up your mind you are going to stay celibate for a certain period of time.
And as you are doing this, strengthen your relationship with God. Pray, read your Bible, attend regular church services. You will find out later that you do not need me to coerce you to wait. Therapy would also be very useful during this time.
3. Waiting till marriage
I know for my girls waiting till marriage, people may say you are a prude or old school etc. I know because I have got that a lot myself. “who even wants virgins these days?” But look on the bright side. You are able to avoid the depression that comes with the hoe phase, and also avoid the insecurity, soul ties, STIs etc.
And I am not saying I haven’t been through depression or heartbreak just because I am a virgin. Trust me, I have and it was very painful. But with the help of God, I was able to overcome it. I just want to know that you cannot choose to wait till marriage without the help of God. Because you cannot do it with your flesh alone.
4. Forgive yourself and those who hurt you so you don't destroy yourself.
That guy that hurt you, that toxic ex, that daddy that wasn’t there for you, those boys that bullied you or didn’t give you attention, whosoever it was, forgive them so that you can heal. Because when you do not forgive someone, it is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. So let them go. Because hate is also a feeling you know? When you hate someone, you have them on your mind constantly.
That’s why you have to forgive them- even pray for them! Kill them with kindness basically. Tell yourself ” You do not deserve my hate so I forgive you. You are not worth my hate.” Even pray for them so they repent and come to know God for themselves. Because that is what God wants His children to do.
Also this is very important. FORGIVE YOURSELF. Yes you made a lot of terrible mistakes but leave the past in the past and look to the bright future. Your past does not define you. When you are in Christ, you become a new creation (person) . The Old things passes away and everything becomes new (2 Corinthians 5:17).
5. Don't envy women who get attention
There is no need to envy such women because it becomes ten times harder to find the right man and so much easier to choose the wrong man. And you do not know what happens behind closed doors. Because think about it, you just need one man you do not need a dozen men giving you attention. Just one man who would love and cherish you as the precious jewel you are.
My darling precious royal babe, I hope I was able to somewhat convince you to not go through the hoe phase. Trust me the streets do not deserve you! Still not convinced? Please watch my video below and subscribe for me please, while you are at it.
I am Angel Marfo, a 24 year old woman with a degree in Medical Physiology from the University of Nottingham. However I found a passion with content creation back in January this year and thats all I want to do now.
I like to Inspire people especially women, with their Mindset, Fashion and Lifestyle- God's Way.
My UGC Portfolio contains various videos that show my content creation journey. They include various niches such as lifestyle, travel, fashion and beauty
